What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
