3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
