I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
should my penis look like a turkey
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
