I hate your face
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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