If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
