Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
