I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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