Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Im part way to drunk.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
