I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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