I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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