She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Can I color on your dick again?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
