FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
