so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
