If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Operation Purity has been aborted
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
