I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
