I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How's work?
Spinning.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
