Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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