When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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