Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
