My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
