there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
