youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
