It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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