Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
