remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
