he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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