we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
