blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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