I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize