You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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