hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
