He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
