im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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