I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
