I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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