you traded sex for a burrito?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
