Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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