I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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