my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
