Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
