I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
