I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
