If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
