you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
