I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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