I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
