we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
