does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
