thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
