I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize