I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
