dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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