Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
