This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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