he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
