When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize