I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
