Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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