did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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